M

never married woman

Having spent my entire adult life as a Christ-following single woman, sitting through countless sermons where marriage references and analogies are frequently used, I have found that my brain has tried to do similar acrobatics as when I have lived in other non-English speaking countries. I cannot fully comprehend marriage, as I have never lived it, but my brain tries with all its power to translate the words, phrases, and stories in a way that will make sense to my life. Here and there, it is not a big deal. But 25+ years of it adds up and it is exhausting. Most of the time, I just check out. My brain is done. I am tired of translating. I need a nap.

Have you ever been immersed in a country where the primary language spoken is not your own? Your brain works itself to exhaustion, trying to find words and phrases that are familiar. In the moments where your brain identifies something familiar, it works to string the familiar words together to give you context and maybe some understanding of what is being said. As soon as you celebrate this small victory of understanding, you realize the conversation is still racing along, you have lost context once again and you need to start over. Needless to say, headaches are common and naps are required. 

Simultaneously, while my brain is working on the translation project, it is also working on filing the data. Each time marriage is brought up as an example, an ideal, and/or a picture of completeness, my brain files it away in a folder marked “Why I don’t belong”. Depending on the sermon or the analogy, my brain might file it in one of the other folders: “Why I am a disappointment to God”, “Why I am not enough” or “Why the church will not invite (or allow) me to be a part of [insert group, activity or discussion here].”

I do not always have a negative reaction to sermons which include marriage stories, sermons, examples. Context matters. Relationship to and understanding of the speaker matters. But the vast majority of the time, I am left feeling tired, invisible and insignificant in the eyes of the church.