Evaluation

AM I A MARRIAGE NORMATIVE PREACHER?

After three years of research (and a lifetime of experience as a never-married woman), I have learned that marriage normativity is RARELY a deliberate decision by the preacher. In fact, in my workshops and doctoral studies, I have learned that preachers didn’t know the term marriage normativity let alone when they were doing it.

I developed this reflection form to help preachers assess the intensity and volume of marriage normative illustrations and posture in their preaching. Single women, however, can use this template to address the issue of marriage normativity with their pastor.

WHAT IT REQUIRES:

1. These 10 questions; five for you and five for volunteers you trust.

2. These volunteers should be single women from your congregation. Using my definition of single women, try to get at least one representative of each: unpartnered, don’t want to be partnered, divorced, widowed, and married but attend church solo.

3. Humility. You’re going to need to be vulnerable and receptive to their feedback. Do you have to take their advice wholesale? No, but you would be wise to listen. Even the act of asking them to participate in your ongoing formation as a leader and Christ-follower will endear you to them. I promise.

4. Remind them that this is a listening session not a “fix-it” session. Right now, they are informing you about a blindspot you may have in your preaching. Take notes for you to reflect on later. Don’t offer any promises!

5. Lastly, I recommend a follow-up session with the women. Sit down with them and then go back 3-5 months later and ask the questions again. Look for progress, look for areas of growth.

THE SET-UP:

After choosing your single women council, contact them and ask for their help. I suggest this kind of wording:

Dear ……
I invite you to be a part of my continuing education as a preacher. I’ve just become aware of a blindspot for some preachers called marriage normativity, and I am curious if it is happening here and with me. Your perspective as an unmarried woman will help me see if I am unintentionally creating problems where one should not exist. If you agree, I’ll ask you to pay attention to certain topics and words in my sermons over the next two months. Then, I will set up a meeting with you and a few other women for an honest conversation.

Listen carefully in my sermons and messaging to the church for these specific things. Take note of the number of times I use:

Examples of marriage and families
Examples of my marriage and my family
Mention singleness and dating

Lastly, note the frequency and tone of these illustrations, as well as your reaction to it. I look forward to discussing this topic with you. For more information, look at the website: www.blessedarethesingleladies.com.

Salutations…

Now. On to the questions!

FIVE QUESTIONS FOR PASTOR BEFORE CONSULTING SINGLE WOMEN:

1. Marriage normativity is the implicit or subtle teaching that marriage is the desired state for all Christians, according to restrictive interpretations of Scripture. Also called matrimania, this behavior reinforces a societal bias which elevates marriage above singlehood and stereotypes a successful marriage as one demonstrated by healthy children, financial stability, and overt happiness; an action which hurts the whole church. Take a moment and think about your reaction to this definition. What words or phrase do you agree with? What leaves you feeling unsettled?

2. You can’t change your preaching until you agree with the premise: marriage is not an expectation of the church. Spend some time thinking, journalling, or praying about how marriage was treated in the church you grew up in, or the church in which you came to faith. Are you repeating the message that marriage is expected, or is this something you truly believe?

3. How often do you think you use marriage normative language and illustrations in your preaching?

4. When considering the best sermon illustrations, how do you pick what to use? Do you use the first one you think of, or is there a Google search?

5. What scripture would you use when counseling a single woman who feels stuck in her marital status?

FOR THE SINGLE WOMEN IN YOUR CONGREGATION:

2. Where do you see or hear marriage normativity in our church? Is this your experience?

3. Thinking back (and perhaps looking at your notes), when–if ever–did you hear me say (or imply) marriage is expected?

4. Were there words used in my sermons that trigger for you a sense of non-belonging, as it relates to your marital status?

5. If there were a spectrum between “none” and “insistent”, where do I fall when it comes to:

Marriage as an idol
Singleness addressed positively
Sermon examples leave the impression that I feel sad for single women
Examples leave the impression that being married is expected of all people
This church believes that the Bible says marriage is required for Christians

REFLECTION REQUIRED:

If possible, take some time after you meet with your council to reflect and pray on your time together. Ask yourself: what did I hear? How do I feel about it?

Consider what is yours to do now. Was there something urgent they brought up? Resist the urge to form a new group or program in response to their feedback. The idea was to listen and respond by making changes in your preaching.