Next Steps

You’ve come to suspect your church isn’t altogether single-friendly, you’ve heard the hurt of marriage normativity, or you’re concerned about its use in your church.

SO, NOW WHAT?

These transformation opportunities are not an easy fix or solution. But there are better Next Steps for you to learn, reflect and grow by inviting your congregation to become a single-friendly church.

TAKING STEPS AWAY FROM MARRIAGE NORMATIVITY:

1. Educate yourself.

Bookmarking this website is a good first step!
Find a suggested resource that works for you.
If you have one of these social media platforms, follow me!

2. Examine it.

Take a self-evaluation test twice a year.
Do an audit with your congregational leadership: how many single women (as defined on this website) do you have in your church? Who is taking care of them?
Take a look at your budget. How much money is spent on spiritual formation of certain demographics as compared to others? Is there parity between, say, the children and the single women?
Do they have representation in teaching and decision-making boards of your church?

3. Preach about it. The solution isn’t to NOT mention singlehood—that’s part of the problem! Single women already can’t and don’t see themselves in the reflection of the Body of Christ. So show them, and the congregation, how to transform:

Remember that Paul’s letters are letters to specific situations. Do the thorough analysis of the context and culture before you admonish the dating world.
If a woman in the Scripture is likely single, point it out.
For every example you use of marriage, family, or a spouse, use an example for/of single people.
Don’t make your marriage (or the institution) the butt of a joke.
When you’re done writing a sermon, read it again but think to yourself, “What would a single woman hear in this exegesis?”

4. Listen for it. Take time each week to listen to other pastor’s sermons, with a listening ear for marriage normative language and illustrations. If you have a relationship with them, why not ask them for coffee to talk about this thing you’ve just learned about. When you are able to hear it, you are less likely to repeat it. (I do have YouTube playlists for what to say and what not to say!)

5. Model it. (For more ideas, check on @singlefriendlychurch across all social media platforms.)

Make a conscious effort to greet those who arrive on their own. And please, please, please don’t ask them where their husband is, or allow anyone else to as well. (“Well, Ray, her husband may be at home today but Julie is here and offers so much to the community, let’s be grateful for her!”)
Make sure offers of hospitality include single women. This includes not creating “discounts” for the costs of the event. (“Tickets are $5 each, or $10 for two.”)
Be mindful when talking about dating with single women. You may be curious about it, but wait for her to start talking about it.
When in mixed company and the talk has high marriage normativity, direct the conversation elsewhere. (“How about them Packers, eh?”)
If they complain about a struggle, offer to help or offer to connect them with someone(s) who have complementary gifts. (“I can’t change out that door, but I think Lyle has experience. Hey, Lyle! Come here!”)
Make it known that you are willing to help them make big decisions. (“Choosing a health care provider *is* stressful, I agree. If you need to process this decision, I’d be willing to talk it out with you.”)

6. Celebrate Singles! Women have plenty of milestones that don’t involve marriage or babies. With their permission, make as big deal out of these events as you would newlyweds or pregnancy announcement:

New house
New vehicle or RV
Retirement, promotion, or career advancement
Graduation
Civic recognition/service club honor
Volunteerism
Cancer survivor
Goal accomplishment (marathon, sobriety, etc.)
Empty nest
Baptism
Achievement of kids

In NO way is this an exhaustive list! And it is unlikely you can accomplish all of it; however, you have some experts in your congregation who know what they need and how they need to be supported. ASK THEM!