Theological Reasoning

I have repeatedly said that the twin sins of marriage normativity and singlism have harmed single women. In my essay on a Biblical Understanding of single inclusion, I outline five scriptures whose traditional exegesis has led to a culture where marriage is expected by a certain age (and a certain appearance.) In this essay, I will outline how this theology harms and what it looks like.

Let’s get it clear from the start: the history of Christ’s church has the contributions of single women as part of her foundation. Undeniably, God used single women to build a kingdom in this world. Beginning with Israelite history, single women were poets, warriors, mothers, builders, and heroes. Scripture, however, never describes these matriarchs as “and she was unmarried” There are, however, textual clues tell us about the culture in which they lived and worshiped. For example, Rahab is described as being the owner of her home and “all her kin” lived with her. Culturally, if she were married or her father alive, she would have been introduced as “Rahab, wife of Bob” (in the case of Deborah) or “Rahab, daughter of Jerry” (in the case of Leah and Rachel.)

When God began incarnational residency at the birth of Jesus, single women were enlisted to build the faith community. His own mother was not married at his birth! From Elizabeth’s prophecy to the unwed Mary to the cadre of women apostles who found the empty tomb and ran to tell the others, Jesus’ mission was aided and expanded with the efforts of single women. (Many of whom were unnamed, but that’s a different essay.) For example, Mary and Martha are living at home with their brother, so they were single or widowed. Mary of Magdala is introduced by her location (not male relative) and is able to move with Jesus’ ministry at will, thus she was independently owned and operated.

Jesus even teaches that marriage is not part of the eschatological plan of eternity (Matthew 19.) And by his model of compassion and grace, Christ’s interaction with single women shows how the Church out to be inclusive and accepting of these unique servants. Think of his interaction with the woman at the well. She was single but in a seemingly monogamous relationship, and he gives her the gift of identity (counter-cultural for the times) and the opportunity to be the first to reveal a confirmation of the Messiah’s arrival. Look also to his conversation with the Syrophoenician woman (Mark 7; aka the Canaanite woman in Matthew 15.) She comes to him—breaking all sorts of religious laws and cultural mores—and endures racial profiling and misogynistic disregard in order to secure healing for her daughter. Why is she there and not a husband? And why doesn’t anyone point out that she, A SINGLE WOMAN, argues with him such that Jesus changes his mind and delivers health to the girl?

Lastly, as the Body of Christ expanded throughout the world, single women continued to teach, preach, administrate, serve, and care for the Church. They opened their homes, traveled to foreign nations, learned new languages and customs, sold everything they owned, and entered into new life as disciples of the risen Christ. Given all that they gave to us, it seems offensive that the modern Church breezes past their names on the pages of Pauline epistles. By understanding their culture and context, we can deduce who protected single women, how God blessed each of them, and what they contributed to the expansion of God’s love.

Yet, somehow, God’s desire for people to live in community has been perverted into a mandate for marriage and children. Marriage has long been understood, idolized, and taught as the expectation of humanity.

Marriage is not, by itself, a direct path to Christ.

Community is not, by itself, a direct path to Christ.

Singleness is not, by itself, a direct path to Christ.

In all times and places, Christians have been guilty of over-privileging marriage or singleness or community as the sole way of ‘achieving’ God.

To aid their argument, those guilty of singlism have twisted Scripture to mirror their image of “normal” instead of seeking Christ-likeness in all things, including marital status. The alternate view is to consider this “season of life” as a gift. This call to lifelong, peaceful singleness is not a discernible call for most people.

The harm of marriage normativity begins when singleness is set opposite marriage or a vowed religious life and is not considered an option for personal fulfillment or spiritual growth. It is treated as an empty wasteland of loneliness which singles long to escape. (Watch my YouTube playlists to hear marriage normative messaging and how to mention singleness without committing singlism!)

A theology of marriage normativity produces three wounds which are rarely (if ever) mentioned: insecurity, jealousy, and shame. This toxic combination is what leads single women to pull away from the Church—both the community and the spiritual formation. The faith life of single ladies cannot flourish in community when the community is not built to include them.

What is there to do?

I have included first-person stories of the harm caused by marriage normativity from single women; however, it would be more impactful if pastors would learn from their own community.
Taking a self-evaluation is a good starting point for listening.
Amongst the many resources on this website, I have several next step suggestions for how pastors and churches can transform into single-friendly congregations.