Vocabulary

sINGLE WOMEN

Single women is a broad definition for the relationship state of those living as a woman over the age of 18. For the purposes of this website, this would include:

Unpartnered–both looking for a partner and those who are not
Dating monogamously, but not married
Widowed
Divorced or separated
Women who attend church without their partner or spouse because they are irreligious or experiencing cognitive failure.

MARRIAGE NORMATIVITY

Marriage normativity is the implicit or subtle teaching that marriage is the desired state for all Christians, according to restrictive interpretations of Scripture. Also called matrimania, this behavior reinforces a societal bias which elevates marriage above singlehood and stereotypes a successful marriage as one demonstrated by healthy children, financial stability, and overt happiness; an action which hurts the whole church.

Examples of Marriage Normative Behavior in Church

“Where’s your husband?”
“Don’t worry. The right one will come at the right time!”
“Have you prayed about your singleness?”
“Babies are such a blessing. You’d better hurry up and get married so you can experience mommyhood.”
“It’s too bad you couldn’t make it work”

SINGLISM

Singlism is the system of ways uncoupled people are discriminated against based on stereotypes and learned behavior resulting in a social stigma of dismissal. (Bella DePaulo, Singled Out, New York: St. Martin’s Press, 2006.)

Examples of Singlism in US:

Singles pay more for travel and dining.
It is assumed singles are free to work holidays and can fill in for co-workers on family leave without reciprocal time.
Social security death benefits of single people are absorbed back into the system.
Singlehood is rarely mentioned as a sought-after value in politics.

Examples of Singlism in Church

Tables set for an even number of people
Dinners for 8
Asking single women to work in the nursery for retreats/conferences/special events
Discount tickets for couples and families
Stock photos of couples
No representation of singles in leadership or worship
Programs only aimed at families or couples

“Speaking of divine interruptions, my Sweetie and I were at our anniversary dinner last night when we got the call that our oldest daughter and her husband are expecting their second child!”
“Your love is devoted, Like a ring of solid gold, Like a vow that is tested, Like a covenant of old” (lyrics to “Ever Be” @Bethel Music Publishing)
“Marriage literally saved my life. I wouldn’t know the love of Christ without the love of my wife. Her faithfulness to God draws me closer to Him, and to her. If you don’t have someone who draws you closer to God then your faith is immature.”
“It is only in marriage that a Christian can understand and experience the full grace of God; the give and take of caring for another person is the manifestation of sanctification.”

MATRIMANIA

Matrimania is “the glorification of marriage and coupling” in American conversation, policies, marketing, and religion which promotes the mythology that committed relationships are better than the unique and fulfilling experiences of unpartnered people. (Bella DePaulo, Singled Out, New York: St. Martin’s Press, 2006.)

Examples:

A young marrieds ministry but nothing specific for singles
Targeted marketing using stock photos of couples
Public prayers for newlyweds
Teaching on marriage without parity to all the relationship states

Ally

Ally is a preacher, leader, or congregation member working to correct the church’s assumptions of marriage normativity in direct and subtle ways by listening to stories and using their voice to amplify the issue and trauma caused by marriage normativity.

Examples of allyship in church:

Sermons, Bible studies, and adult education classes highlighting single women in Scripture and throughout church history
Purposefully sitting next to single women in worship
Unobtrusive and personal invitations to single women to events or celebrations
Gently pointing out to preachers when messaging becomes too marriage normative

what pastors can do:

Pastors can educate themselves on singlism and seek training to be better preachers.

Transparency about wanting to be a single-friendly congregation
Take a self-evaluation here
Potential solutions found here
Transparency about wanting to be a single-friendly congregation.