Vocabulary

ALLY

Ally is a preacher, leader, or congregation member working to correct the church’s assumptions of marriage normativity in direct and subtle ways by listening to stories and using their voice to amplify the issue and trauma caused by marriage normativity.

Examples of allyship in church:

• Gently pointing out to preachers when messaging becomes marriage normative
• Sermons, Bible studies, and adult education classes highlighting single women in Scripture and throughout church history
• Purposefully sitting next to single women in worship
• Unobtrusive and personal invitations to single women to events or celebrations

MARRIAGE NORMATIVITY

Marriage normativity is the implicit or subtle teaching that marriage is the desired state for all Christians, according to restrictive interpretations of Scripture. Also called matrimania, this behavior reinforces a societal bias which elevates marriage above singlehood and stereotypes a successful marriage as one demonstrated by healthy children, financial stability, and overt happiness; an action which hurts the whole church.

Examples of Marriage Normative Behavior in Church

• “Where’s your husband?”
• “Don’t worry. The right one will come at the right time!”
• “Have you prayed about your singleness?”
• “Babies are such a blessing. You’d better hurry up and get married so you can experience mommyhood.”
• “It’s too bad you couldn’t make it work”

MATRIMANIA

Matrimania is a glorification of marriage in American conversation, policies, marketing, and religion which promotes the myth that committed relationships are better than the unique and fulfilling experiences of singleness.

Examples of Matrimania in Church:

• A young marrieds ministry but nothing specific for singles
• Targeted marketing using stock photos of couples
• Public prayers for newlyweds
• Teaching on marriage without parity to all the relationship states

single-friendly

To be single-friendly should be the ultimate goal of all churches. More than the absence of marriage normativity, single-friendly churches and people exhibit warmth, inclusion, and allyship with singles in their community. More than just not preaching a marriage normative sermon, single-friendly churches and people institute structure and systems to provide spiritual formation for singles as they come into the community.

Examples of single-friendly behavior in church:

• Invitational programs not based on marital status
• Purposeful inclusion and representation at all levels of church administration and leadership
• Talking about the issues of singleness not as something to overcome or ignore, but a gift to humanity whether a season or life long
• Gently correcting others with intrusive questions (“Where’s your husband?”) or statements (“You’re so great, I just don’t understand why you’re single.”)

SINGLISM

Singlism is the system of ways uncoupled people are discriminated against based on stereotypes and learned behavior resulting in a social stigma of dismissal.

Examples of Singlism in Culture:

• Singles pay more for travel and dining
• It is assumed singles are free to work holidays and can fill in for co-workers on family leave without reciprocal time
• Social security death benefits of single people are absorbed back into the system
• Singlehood is rarely mentioned as a sought-after value in politics

Examples of Singlism in Church

• Tables set for an even number of people
• Dinners for 8
• Asking single women to work in the nursery for retreats/conferences/special events
• Discount tickets for couples and families
• Stock photos of couples
• No representation of singles in leadership or worship
• Programs only aimed at families or couples

Examples of Singlism in Sermons

•  “Speaking of divine interruptions, my Sweetie and I were at our anniversary dinner last night when we got the call that our oldest daughter and her husband are expecting their second child!”
• “Your love is devoted, Like a ring of solid gold, Like a vow that is tested, Like a covenant of old” (lyrics to “Ever Be” @Bethel Music Publishing)
• “Marriage literally saved my life. I wouldn’t know the love of Christ without the love of my wife. Her faithfulness to God draws me closer to Him, and to her. If you don’t have someone who draws you closer to God then your faith is immature.”
• “It is only in marriage that a Christian can understand and experience the full grace of God; the give and take of caring for another person is the manifestation of sanctification.”

sINGLE WOMEN

Single women is a broad definition for the relationship state of those living as a woman over the age of 18. For the purposes of this website, this would include:

• Unpartnered; those single for a season (looking for a partner) and those with the gift of singleness (purposefully unpartnered)
• Monogamously partnered, but not married
• Widowed
• Divorced or separated
• Women who attend church without their partners or spouses because their person is irreligious, experiencing cognitive failure, or they choose not to worship together

UNMARRIED

Traditionally used to describe those who are single. However, the use of this word reveals an ingrained cultural and religious bias towards marriage and is not single-friendly. It is thought that the opposite of married is unmarried, but the prejudice is revealed when the married state is framed as the positive and unmarried is the negative. “Single” or “unpartnered” is the preferred term. (Radicals will refer to married people as “unsingle”; grammatically correct and unbiased the word just feels wrong, thus revealing the prejudice towards marriage.)